10 Tips for Alienated Parents

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1. Let’s start with the bang: the alienating parent is a weak one!
Contrary to what you might think, the alienating parent, in the end, is weak. The reason is very simple: he/she uses his son to destroy the other parent and, thus, psychologically harms his son. He/She hides behind his son, pushing him ahead of the conflict.

2. The alienating parent uses the child to meet their own needs
The alienating parent uses the child to meet their own personal needs. It is focused on the total alienation of the ex-partner to prove he/she is a good parent. His/Her son needs to support him, “I’m a responsible parent.”

3. Lose the diagnosis of the alienating parent
Stop relying on alleged alienating parenting diagnostic hypotheses “is a narcissist,” “has a histrionic disorder,” “he/she is a borderline,” “he/she is an antisocial” and so on. It’s a trap: the alienating parent attracts your attention on him/her so you miss your relationship with your son.

4. Forget the alienating parent
He/she is not your target. Your only goal should be your son, concentrate on the affective relationship with him, if you have the chance. When you meet your son for the w.e. or in family treatment, do not talk to him badly about the alienating parent, do not scold him for his behavior. And, above all, do not hesitate to record what he says and then bring these “trials” to the Court: stay focused on your son. Shoot down mobile phones and recorders and try to feel and carry your needs.

5. How can I focus on my son if the problem is the alienating parent?
The problem is the solution. Concentrating always with the alienating parent will not approach a child. When you are with him do not treat him/her like a manipulated child, but like your son.

6. Do not be afraid of your son
Often alienated parents are afraid of their son. Retrieve your parenting role, avoid taking a “down” position with him/her. Your son challenges you to test your security, to see if you can trust you.

7. As long as your son proves anger, there is hope
As long as your son feels angry with you, then there’s hope to get the report back. The situation becomes serious and worrying when your child begins to feel indifferent to you and to avoid any contact with you, even by telephone.

8. Your son, after all, looks for you
Your son has allied with the other parent because he/she perceives him/her stronger, more capable of managing and defending his fragility during this heated family conflict. When you meet him and talk badly about you or insult you, your son is calling your attention. Do not fall in the trouble of proving “you see how it is manipulated?”. Instead, feel his emotions and feelings “I feel you are very angry with me … I want you to tell me everything you feel for me …”: on one hand you come into contact with him feeling his anger, on the other side your son pervades That you have no fear of what you say and that you are able to listen to it and handle its emotions.

9. When you are with your son, do not make the victims
Just victimization. Taking victims with your son to provoke his reaction to compassion is a strategy that is unsuccessful. Instead, you reverse the opposite effect by confirming to your son that you are passive and weak. It often happens that when your son is with you in the house you are so unpleasant and opposed to provoke a feeling of anger and an expulsion reaction “I almost bring it to my father’s / mother’s home because I can not hold it.” That’s what your ex-partner wants more than anything else. Do not do alienating game.

10. Never stop contend
You do not think of throwing the sponge. Anyway, go all the way. Your son awaits you.

About the Author:

Psychologist, Psychotherapeut.

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